On May 13th, 2016, I was in New York City. I was 20 years old. I was pretty unhappy and frustrated. Then I listened to Coloring Book. 

I first heard of Chance the Rapper when I was in High School from one of my classmates who was talking about his mixtape, Acid Rap. I probably listened to “Juice” and “Favorite Song” on the drive home from school more times than I could count, and certainly more than I think “favorite song” is worth listening to now, given its homophobic bridge. This is an artist who brightened my life.

When I was a freshman in college, Chance was supposed to perform the opening week of school, and it got rained out, or he had to reschedule due to illness or something else. That doesn’t matter. What matters is that on Halloween night in 2014, Chance came back, and I was there on the balcony at IU, bouncing up and down with my good friend, John, both of us, and the rest of the room, in costume. I thought the balcony was going to collapse because the whole room was jumping. Chance seemed like he was on top of the world, and he took me with him.

In February 2016, Kanye West released The Life of Pablo. The first song on this album was titled "Ultra Light Beam," featuring a verse from Chance the Rapper. I don’t remember where I was when I first listened to this song, but I remember what it made me feel like. An overwhelming sense of hope washed over me as the gospel chorus rose and fell over the course of the song. I have not been religious for a long time, even at that point, but there’s something special about the way this song blasts you with Gospel music. It will make you believe in God, at least while you’re listening.

Chance spoke, and I believed him: “I made Sunday Candy, I’m never going to hell, I met Kanye West, I’m never going to fail.” At this moment, I knew without a doubt I was listening to what was going to be one of the largest hip hop artists of all time. Hope. Someone who chose to defy record labels because he had seen too many of his friends screwed over. Hope. He was teaming up with one of the biggest names in the game while maintaining his independence. Hope. 

In May 2016, I had a lot of hope for the world. Bernie Sanders was still in the running for the Democratic Nomination to run for president, despite the devastating loss in Nevada. I was doing decently well in school, though, in retrospect, I think I wasn't in the right classes. And I was physically fit and excited to return to summer camp as the director of the teen program. 

I visited New York City with my family. My father and my two brothers. I do not have a good relationship with my father now. I would also say that it was not necessarily good then either. In 2016, people drank a lot more than they do now, so when you get a mid-50s father and his two grown sons together, they want to spend time at bars. I was not of age and certainly did not feel included. I also had no interest in drinking. So I went off into the city, a living and vibrant city. I walked. A lot. I never felt unsafe, and I felt content. I’ve only felt that a couple of times since, but there is truly something magical about walking the streets of New York alone. I just had to bide my time because I knew Chance the Rapper’s new album was about to come out that evening. Absorb the city and then release the energy paired with the music, my own personal cocktail, alcohol free.

I rejoined with my father, and I don’t recall the exchange, but I imagine I was scolded for not wanting to spend time with my family. Or maybe I didn’t want to share what I did alone all day. Either way, I became frustrated and distant. Then the album was released, and I got to listen.

Looking back, I think this isn't the greatest piece of art released by an artist, but it’s special to me. The album is introspective about past mistakes, hopeful for the future, and has deep overtones of freedom from oppression and experiences of joy. It’s intermixed with calm ballads and hymnals with religious overtones and undertones, and it truly captured me. As I said, I was and am not religious, but I have never skipped a single piece of the gospel on this album. I also think the best outcome of this album was me learning who Noname is. A revolutionary thinker and deeply talented artist in her own right. 

I heard this album, and the future seemed bright. For Chance and for me. So while Coloring Book is not the perfect album, and the events that followed in 2016 and beyond for Chance the Rapper, America, and me are not ideal; Chance’s career took a dive, he recently got divorced, Kanye West is a Nazi?!, and things are rough out here.

But… Listening to this music always brings me back to a time when I truly believed the future held incredible things in store. And I think I need that right now. I listen back every now and then. The past couple of weeks, I’ve been listening more than usual, not because I am sad or need an extra dose of hope, but rather to try to recapture what it’s like to be prepared for good things in the future.

I believe those good things are coming, for me, for Chance, and for America.